fortunes told

I seem to have given up on this blog. I don't know what I want it to be and I don't know what it is at the moment. It also feels overly narcissistic? I don't know how seriously I should take it and what is good enough to post and what isn't and whether it will just be a huge cringe to look back on? The end of my school year is approaching and everything at school is so rushed but simultaneously slow and sloggy. Countdowns to prom, coursework deadlines, countdowns to our first exams, countdowns until study leave and the lack of motivation from anyone is just a constant reminder of the fact time is passing. Every one is turning 16 and teachers are treating us more like adults. I feel like I've finally caught up with people physically (braces are off, not as short as I once was) but constantly naive and innocent - I'm not oblivious to the world and stuff - it's just people I've known since we were 11 have suddenly all started attending parties and I feel totally inadequate in that I'm not the same. It's not even that I want that particularly, but I don't feel like I could be like that. It's all confidence that is the root of not wanting to post here because I feel more like I am proclaiming things because I know who frequently reads this blog. It's like I am wanting to tell them something specifically because I don't post often, it seems pretentious and forced. I think it's the same in real life, it's not even awkward situations it's just on a basic level that I hate things like conversing with certain people - how can they sound ok saying something but if I were to repeat the sentence it would come out differently. I'm just not very good at communication. I have missed so many opportunities with blogging; ignoring emails and tumlbr asks to submit things to stuff - I'm just really reclusive and it restricts me a lot. I have been waiting for next year for what seems like forever because it's like a fresh start and I will have to mix with new people which is good - I don't have a set group of friends, not the type I could ask to go to town with me or invite to my house spur of the moment or go somewhere to take photos with and know they would actually want to, instead of because they feel obliged to - It's my own fault because I push people away which sucks. Maybe the fact I think this blog is really narcissistic is because I don't do much else than spend time on the internet, school work and have confined thoughts about aesthetics and clothes and what I strive for myself to be. 

 Anyway, I wasn't going to post these here but If I am going to make an effort with these I figure I should post things in real time instead of cramming it all in to one post disjointedly. My auntie's uncle gave me a box of cameras recently, including a Canon ae-1 and a canon f-1, as well as a load of lenses and accessories. The first roll of film I shot on the ae-1 didn't come out, apparently it hadn't been used in so long that the mirror kept getting stuck and the film inside exposed, but I just sat there advancing the lever and clicking the shutter button for ever until it ran smoothly. I took it to school to test it because nothing I do at weekends is interesting enough to photograph. I took these last Wednesday and Friday and I like that they look real instead of posed. Everyone was already in those positions, I was either just like 'look at the camera' or 'move to the left so you're in shot' etc.

Mary-Ann and Katie.

Sweets in One Stop where I go every single day to buy food to motivate me to do homework which I then eat without completing the homework.

Mary-Ann and Katie.

Flora and Ella.

Amber in One Stop.

Dress I have been making in Textiles classes and the majority of lunchtimes and after school for the past few weeks because all our coursework is due after Easter.

From the top of the textiles stairs. They were gossiping about something and the composition seems so stereotypical of 'high school' with the movie like perspective.

Half a locker from another frame and some costumes in the drama store cupboard.

Me in the PE changing rooms.

Lizzie and Mary-Ann with the cakes we made for Amber's birthday.

Frankie, Pam, Ellen and Lizzie in the PE changing rooms.

I hate that time is running out and the fact it is a year since I went to Iceland on a school trip tomorrow (and I  still have undeveloped film from the trip) is scary. I took my Canon ae-1 to school again today and took some more pictures because it was the last day of term and I am getting nostalgic for the uniform. In 28 days time I'll never have to wear it again because in sixth form you wear you wear your own clothes which is daunting in itself. I'll probably edit this post and add those pictures from today here when I get them developed if any are decent. I don't know how to portray myself as happy to end this post because I'm honestly not even that upset about all the things above, it's been like this for over a year so complaining is redundant anyway. Laugh at my dumb trivial thoughts while there are more pressing matters like world poverty to address. 

- Hollie