You are probably familiar with, or have encountered, self doubt. (If you haven't you are super human so go and become FBI intelligence or something). Myself, I often sit and cry because everything seems so cOo0l compared to me and I feel like I JUST DON'T BELONG HERE BECAUSE I AM SUCH A WORTHLESS COMBINATION OF CELLS or something. I wonder why I bother with dressing like I do, why I have sub zero confidence levels resulting in every word coming out of my mouth sounding so loserish and ridiculous and why my maths grades are so abominable, but eventually I do remember why life is worth living after all by writing down my angsty feelings and trying to meditate them away. Also, time is such a virtue.
I would be utterly lost without dressing as I do, I become so eminently enchanted with clothes so much so that I want to weep at their beauty, on a daily basis. We're always force fed growing up with the idea of 'be yourself' by every adult in the entire stratosphere, and it took me a while to figure some of that out, actualIy, I don't think I've figured out most of it, perhaps I never will, so for the meantime I'm just doing and dressing how makes me happy, those adults probably don't even know themselves I would bet, and I think it's probably one of the reasons as to why many teenagers have identity crises. And my maths grades, ur, well.
My monomaniac tendencies for clothes, aesthetics and fashion, I think, stem from my childhood love of escapism. I read Harry Potter like real life and went to every midnight book release, dressed up as hermione, since I can remember the books existing, which is forever really. I was in year six when deathly hallows came out and I bought it at the midnight release, returned and at school the next day knew the entire plot, as I had finished it at around dawn having read under my covers with my beloved reading lamp into the following day, the same lamp that accompanied me during the entirety of key stage three and saw me immersed in incomprehensible amounts of stories.
As I got older I began to replace this, fashion itself is sort of like fantasy in a way, with every respect there is no literal point to it, yet I place my sanity in the realms of make believe as I have always done. The attraction of fantasy and any way of escaping really is boundless and I still love the doctrine of magic and bewitched-ness, which inspired the zine I started last night I suppose. I doubt it will be finished until 2309 but I have constructed the front cover which I will dispense.
Was that a rant? If so, I apologise but I wanted to write something other than daily ramblings that have no significance to any entity apart from my own self. Hopefully one other person out of the other 7 billion in the world will resonate?
Thank you for reading!